Act 1/Scene 6




Battersea Power Station, London
25th July 2012, 7pm. 45p

The artist Frank Lampard presents a history of 
ignored, overlooked and ‘invisible’ objects. The presentation will 
be accompanied by some interpretive dance by Trevor 
Brooking and a short polemical intervention by ex-professional
 footballer Franko B.



Near the Olympic Park, London
12th August 2012, Free

As part of his current residency at the Foreign Office, 
Frank Lampard reflects on the increasingly pervasive influence 
of conspiracy theories within leftist political discourse. Lampard 
will be joined by Psychologists Dr. Paul Gascoigne and
 Professor Didier Drogba to explore the difference
 between useful dissent and pathological delusion. This 
important talk will be presented in a tent that stinks in a place 
that no-one wants to visit, somewhere near the Olympic site.

Free Food.



Bishops Park, Fulham
3rd June 2012, 3pm. £12.00

Artist, Frank Lampard presents his archive of unopened ‘Keep
 Calm and Carry On’ memorabilia to an audience of guests who
 lack an imagination. This idiotic collection charts the evolution of 
the saying from 1939 to the present day. The archive includes a 
huge selection of inane derivations on the theme including a
 pashmina that says ‘Keep Calm and Wrap Me Up’, a hat that
 says ‘Keep Calm and Put Me On’ and a T-shirt that says ‘Ceep 
Kalm and Ues Spellcheek’. At no point will any of the items be 
considered relevant, ironic, clever, funny or appealing and all
 attendees will be barred from anything good that happens in the



Chatham Arts Centre, Kent
12th October 2012, 7pm. 24p

Turner Prize nominee Frank Lampard will present a collection of 
quasi-fictional plans for a new Garden City in the heart of the
 Lake District called Gluten. This Minitopia (Lampard et al. 1998) 
is beautifully illustrated in pencil (with shading and 
perspective), found (and yet imagined) objects, and animated by
 a cast of repellant (and yet likeable) characters who plan (and
 distribute) recommended behaviors to the population. 
Lampard will be interviewed by one of his imaginary characters
 for the presentation and there will be audience 
participation. The talk will take place at Chatham Art Centre -
’Home of the 2012 Turner Prize’.



The Shaded Whelk
Daily, 27th July – 9th Sept 2012. £120 (includes ticket, accommodation and a pickled egg)

Ray Wilkins and his wife Su Pollard invite a number of
 previously successful people to visit their pub, The Shaded
 Whelk, to chat about what they’re up to now. The pub is 
situated in the middle of nowhere on a dilapidated peninsula on 
the north east coast of England. Cut off twice a day by the tide,
the pub’s guests will be stranded and forced to engage with
 Wilkins and Pollard, and the Whelks regulars including the stoic 
Michael Barrymore, the cantankerous Leslie Grantham and the 
lethargic Timmy Mallet. Pot wash and glass collection will be 
provided by Peter Simon.

Forthcoming Highlights include:

– Sarah Greene and Mike Smith talk helicopters and about life
 after ‘almost death’

– Ian Wright chats about his experiences on an Art Foundation 
course and shows the pub his portfolio

– Andy Crane talks about how he’s combined his love of Basketball and God

– Artist Alison Jackson presents a sponsorship pitch for her new photography project ‘Pam Ferris Wheel’

A small number of tickets are available for the first of these ‘in
 discussion’ series from the Shaded Whelk website and
 refreshments will be available from the Whelk’s extensive 

Washed-Up is curated by Frank Lampard and runs throughout
 the Olympic and Paralympic games.

*Overnight accommodation will be required due to tidal



Invite only.

In Pay You Pay Me, Frank Lampard & friends present an 
evening of performance and cabaret that responds to the theme
 of ‘nepotism’.

Contributions welcomed to our chosen charity ‘The False 
Memory Archive’


All speakers will be unpaid and all profits will be kept by Lamps.

Frank Lampard is an artist and writer. From 2002-2003 he was
 Arts Editor of Sleazenation Magazine and since 2007 heʼs been 
a regular contributor to Art Review. Since 2002, he has worked 
under the quasi-fictional pseudonym The WITH 
Collective (WITH) to create of a range of concepts that are for
 sale at These darkly comic concepts or 
‘Solutions’ are the primary manifestation of the work; the theme 
that links all of the ideas together is that a commissioner can 
have an experience either invented or lived out on their behalf 
by a member of the collective.

Lamps received a Wellcome Trust grant award in 2011 and is 
currently artist-in-resident at the Anomalistic Psychology 
Research Unit at Goldsmiths College, researching the
 phenomenon of ‘False memory’. He has created the False
 Memory Archive and is developing a new body of work to be 
exhibited in 2013/14 throughout the UK.

The WITH Collective have exhibited internationally, creating
projects and commissions for a variety of galleries including
Tate Britain, The Hayward Gallery, The V&A, The ICA, Chapter,
K3 Zurich and the British Council, New Delhi.

*Image: ‘Self Portrait’ courtesy Alasdair Hopwood (Frank Lampard)

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